I don’t believe Carly Rae Jepsen is human.
Don’t get me wrong, I love her music. She is an underrated pop icon. I just kind of don’t believe that she is real and living. She seems more like a concept to me. I haven’t watched interviews with her for this reason, I think it would be too uncanny. She is very obviously from another realm, and not just Canada.
I would fully believe if you told me she was any of the following:
A sculpture come alive, except the sculpture was made completely out of Funfetti icing
That scene in Ghost, except instead of clay it is Funfetti icing
The only thing able to melt the Ice Queen’s frozen heart
A little changeling girl raised by the Fairy Queen
A little changeling girl (with a tuft of magical blue hair) raised by humans who will grow up to take on the evil Fairy Queen
What rose out of the sea on a neon clamshell off the coast of Fire Island when somebody threw a broken candy necklace into the waves
What sprung out of God’s head fully formed when they gave themselves a headache trying to think of a nice gift to give the gays for having had a rough go of it for so long
What would happen if Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir were actually a couple
What would happen if HedonismBot ate TimBits instead of grapes
What would happen if a deity fell as a shower of gold glitter into the lap of a (consenting) Canadian woman rafting down the Chilliwack River
Everything you log in your mood-tracking app
Everything you thought Prom would be when you first found out about it as a child
Everything you made your Barbies pretend to be and do when you were pretending to make them live grow-up lives, except not constantly having lots of sex
Everything you made your Barbies pretend to be and do, including constantly having lots of sex
One of those sex toys that does not actually look like a sex toy, but like a rubber ducky or a tube of lipstick or something else completely innocuous
Ramona Flowers’ only non-evil ex from her former life
Alexis Rose’s only non-evil friend from her former life
The neon lights of L.A. reflecting off the clouds on one of its rainy days
The taste on your lips after you kiss someone who’s wearing flavored lipgloss
The feeling of being “hyper,” which is all but forgotten after you go through puberty and realize there are other things you can be (caffeinated, drunk, horny, stoned, etc.)
The word “lover,” except somehow it’s not gross
A single tear that dropped into your diary
A synthesizer that has been taught to feel love
A bra that fits!
A secret chord that David played, and it pleased the Lord, except it’s a club remix
Stuff I Did This Week: I was on the podcast The Hilarious World of Depression! It’s funny and sad, listen to it!
Fake BBC Show of the Week: With the Utmost Respect, Prime Minister (I know I say this every week, seriously, what the hell is going on over there?)
HedonismBot eating TimBits made me laugh, we'd be dealing with an entirely different universe if this were to happen!
I am distracted from the gloriousness of this post by an overwhelming bubble of excitement that someone else has read The Fairy Rebel and I did not imagine (and do not continue to hallucinate siting on my shelf) that lovely book.