Midnight Confession #25: Nice Crush You Got There


Be a shame if they were… like that with everybody!

I suppose this is my fault for being attracted to upbeat, cheerful, friendly people, and not sad broody types. I do feel like some people take too much pride in telling you someone doesn’t have a crush on you, though. I don’t know if they understand the implications, the line you add on in your head: “They don’t have a crush on you…because who would have a crush on you, you weirdo?”

When I was in a writing group with my friends about ten years ago, I mentioned to my friend Mark that his roommate Adrian had been Facebook messaging me a lot, and I was thinking maybe he liked me. The next writer’s group meeting, Mark announced in front of everyone, “I asked Adrian and he said he never flirted with you and doesn’t have a crush on you at all.” Probably the most embarrassing part of this was that I really didn’t have a crush on Adrian (I just wanted the confidence boost), but I actually did have a bit of a crush on Mark.

I used to have a lot more crushes, but I don’t have so many, anymore. I think now I tend to see people as much more human and don’t put them up on pedestals. In fact, I had to create a Pinterest board of crushes to remind myself of the famous people I have crushes on — and even then, some of them I’ve met and have since sort of lost my crushes on, now that I know them as real people. But I guess these are kind of unique problems to have.

I wish I could tell my younger self that most relationships don’t come from crushes. And when they do, the relationships usually don’t last very long, because they’re built on unrealistic expectations and what you wish the other person was, rather than what they actually are. This is why I don’t believe in being in love with someone you’ve never met, or someone you don’t have any kind of interpersonal relationship with. You’ve basically just created a very elaborate real person fanfic in your head.

(Interestingly, someone sent me a real person fanfic they wrote about me, once, and it was actually very nice! I don’t go looking for that kind of thing because it can very quickly get disturbing, but this story was very sweet and not creepy. In it, I stopped a mugger in Central Park and was also described as “tall,” so I got to live out two dreams of mine. But please don’t send me any other real person fanfics about me, if there even are any. In general, any gross or mean thing about me — that isn’t legitimate constructive criticism — just isn’t worth my time.)

I also wish I could tell my younger self that people will have crushes on me one day. But then I’d also have to tell her the truth, that those people’s crushes will also fade when people get to know me better. The knife cuts both ways. Or crushes both ways. Ehh, you can use a knife to crush things. You know what I mean.

Stuff I Did This Week: My episode of Let’s Talk about Cats went up! It’s a newer podcast, full of talk about cats, tea, and games — I mean, this is everything I want in a podcast! I explained how I have two and a half cats, and we played a game where I tried to guess whether a BBC show was real or fake. Want to know how I did? Listen!

Also, I saw Knives Out! My friend and I went to the premiere last night and GAH IT WAS AMAZING, just like I knew it would be! Definitely go see it when it comes out! I LOVE Rian Johnson’s movies (and TV episodes, too — best episodes of Breaking Bad, for sure) so much, and I had the pleasure of meeting him in person last night. Both he and the genius goddess that is Karina Longworth (of You Must Remember This) were incredibly kind and funny and friendly. Isn’t it nice when talented people are also good people?