The Best (and Only Types of) Cole Porter Songs
I owe Cole Porter an apology. I no longer think it’s true that anyone with a pitch pipe and a rhyming dictionary could write his songs. While he still isn’t my favorite, I do think he was a great American songwriter.
The problem is his musicals. They’re all terrible. But, as has been pointed out to me, I really should give him leeway there, because musical theater didn’t really exist back in his day. Pretty much every musical was a revue flimsily tied together with some stupid jokes. It was decades before Oklahoma and its use of dance as narrative, and even though Show Boat had recently introduced the idea of handling serious issues in a musical (however clumsily), it hadn’t quite caught on yet.
I still can’t say that I’ve ever really enjoyed a Cole Porter musical, because I don’t like when songs don’t advance a plot. I also do feel like he wrote a lot of the same kind of songs over and over again. Still, he did write a lot of classics, and what makes them a thousand times better is their subtext. Here are, as far as I know, the best (and only kinds) of Cole Porter songs:
What If We Threw a Party (And Had Gay Sex)?
You’re All Right, Kid, and I Very Much Enjoy Having Gay Sex With You
You’re All Right, Kid, Even If We Haven’t Had Gay Sex (Yet)
I Don’t Really Enjoy Drugs, But I Do Enjoy Gay Sex
I Sure Do Enjoy Drugs, And Also Gay Sex
I Used to Have a Lot of (Gay) Sex
Here’s How to Have a Lot of (Gay) Sex
Working in the Theater Sure is Swell, And So Is Gay Sex
Men Are Terrible, Which is Why I Have Gay Sex
Men Are Great, Which is Why I Have Gay Sex
We Go to Yale and Have Gay Sex
This City Rules, Let’s Dance and Have Gay Sex
This City Sucks, Let’s Dance and Have Gay Sex
I Am Not Having Gay Sex, But That’s Only Because I Am Busy Bilking Rich Men Out of Their Money
I Am Having Gay Sex and I Am Busy Bilking Rich Men Out of Their Money
Even Grandma’s Having Gay Sex These Days!
How Many Times Can I Work the Word “Gigolo” Into This Song Before Someone Realizes It’s About Gay Sex
Fuck It, I’m Just Going to List a Bunch of Adjectives About How Great Gay Sex Is
Fake BBC Show of the Week: Song and Supper