What's My Age Again

I recently forgot how old I am.

The worst part is, I’m pretty sure I’m the one who brought up my own age. Nobody asked me about it — not because it’s impolite, but because everybody already knows how old I am. It’s the first thing that comes up when you Google me. That happens when you’re famous as a child: the world grows up with you and always knows your age. There are some women in the public eye who do everything they can to keep their age a secret, and understandably so, we live in an ageist world. But I could never do that, even if I wanted to.

Anyway, I’m 32. I turned 32 in July. I keep forgetting, though, and thinking I’m still 31. I know I’m older than 30, because I remember turning 30, but it’s kind of a blur after that. When I mentioned my age the other night, I literally had to stop myself, remember that it was 2019, and subtract 1987 from that.

But I don’t think it really matters, anyway. I’m not one of those “age is just a number” people (most of them are intensely fucking creepy), but I do think what’s most important is how old you feel. This is not a “think young!” kind of thing, it’s about being true to where you are in the stages of life, and enjoying each one for what they are. I think I’m more defined by the way I live now.

So, for the record, I am:

• Middler Schoolers immediately stop swearing in public when I look at them years old

• Thinking that people really need to get better control of their shopping carts in the grocery store, or somebody’s going to get hurt years old

• Way better looking than I was as a teenager, but still kind of a mess years old

• Finally understand what is sexy about Sade’s music years old

• Have an appreciation for saxophone solos years old

• Have an appreciation for the band Genesis years old

• Don’t immediately hate all Steely Dan songs anymore years old

• Constantly just dying to talk about the “one-two punch” of “Don’t Stop” and “Go Your Own Way” years old

• Never stop talking about my nieces and nephews years old

• Tried to tell my nieces and nephews an old joke that involved a pay phone, and lost them immediately years old

• Slightly miffed when someone doesn’t offer to let me hold their baby years old

• It’s no longer “weird” for me to hang out with my friends’ parents years old

• Really able to understand the importance of J. Lo having a part that actually showcases her as an actress in Hustlers, because she was miscast and mistreated for so long and honestly, who was doing well in the 2000s? years old

• Actually hand wash my “hand wash only” laundry (Anna pointed this out to me, said if she did my laundry, “she’d only fuck it up”) years old

• People don’t mind me having dietary restrictions years old

• Telling Anna she needs to incorporate more protein into her diet years old

• Doing my physical therapy exercises even on days I don’t feel pain because that’s when it sneaks up on you years old

• Still think astrology is bunk, but can politely listen to people talk about it without screaming or risking an aneurysm years old

• Get unreasonably upset when Trader Joe’s stops stocking my favorite products years old (BRING BACK THE FLAXSEED PEANUT BUTTER) years old

• Get ogled by Generation X guys walking around with their adorable IVF babies at Trader Joe’s because I’m wearing all black and Doc Martens and probably remind them of a girl who elbowed them in the face at an L7 concert back in 1992 years old

• Constantly either mistaken for fourteen or forty years old

• Teenage boys mistake me for fourteen and try to hit on me years old

• Not only do people not usher me out of the way when something glass breaks, but they expect me to be the one to clean it up years old

• Don’t understand how anyone my age can date someone in their early twenties because I feel like my brain wasn’t even fully formed until at least 27 years old

• Still a little sad when I see on social media that my friends went to Disneyland without me years old

• Got a junk mail catalogue for Spanx in the mail, and actually flipped through it, thinking “This might be good for my low blood pressure” years old

My thirties have been much better than my twenties so far, I really feel like I am allowed to be myself these days. Maybe I actually feel older than my own age.

But then, Anna’s 26, and she just ran off with my Spanx catalog, so who knows?

Stuff I Did This Week: Mostly stuff that won’t be coming out for a while, BUT! The Shakespeare charity streams are up on YouTube! You can hear me read as Lady MacBeth and Nurse in Romeo and Juliet! I also highly recommend the Richard III and Much Ado, and heard great things about Julius Caesar. I still need to watch it.

Fake BBC Show of the Week: Zounds!