Thursday, October 4, 201816 likes10 comments

Words and Phrases I Was Terrified to Use As A Preteen Because I Thought They Were "Dirty"

  • Easy

  • Hard

  • Long

  • Dork (It does not mean “a whale’s penis.” Why did we all think it did?)

  • Dictionary (In first grade I got teased mercilessly for saying it too slowly)

  • Pencil (I also got teased mercilessly for saying I loved my Keroppi pencil. This was doubly upsetting to me, because everyone knows Keroppi is in a monogamous relationship with his girlfriend Keroleen!)

  • Pickle

  • Nuts

  • Apples (I remember being offended when someone used the phrase “apples on the table” in a schoolyard rhyme because I thought it meant “she has big boobs!”)

  • Cupcakes (Camp friends said it meant “boobs.”)

  • Twinkie (Camp friends said it meant… well, you know.)

  • Cookies (Everyone said it meant something dirty, but no one could agree on what it was.)

  • Banana

  • Monkey (Perhaps it was the association with bananas?)

  • Jerk

  • Jack

  • Screw

  • Nail

  • Oral

  • Aural

  • Blow (I consider this and the preceding two Bill Clinton’s fault)

  • Suck (Of course)

  • Suckman (Honest to goodness surname of a boy in my grade)

  • Hyman (Another classmate’s unfortunate surname. For years, I could never understand why my brother’s girlfriend would giggle when I said it.)

  • Ball

  • Bawl

  • Jiffy Lube

  • Wet ’n’ Wild

  • Herbal Essences (Because of their commercials.)

  • Absolutely anything ever said in an Herbal Essences commercial

  • “Ho” (as in “Land, ho!” or “Listen, ho!” It’s said in every Shakespeare play ever. Our class clown Hovik got a lot of mileage out of that in tenth grade English class.)

  • “Yum” or “Mmm” or any other food-related onomatopoeia

  • “Oo la la” (I didn’t realize it basically just mean “ugh” or “oy vey” until I had a babysitter who spoke French and said while we were stuck in traffic)

  • Not actually a word but that “A-OK” symbol you make with your fingers (Someone said it meant “asshole.” Now I guess it means white supremacist? So I guess they weren’t wrong.)

  • Jump

  • Jumpin’, Jumpin’” (No one could ever convince me they were singing “their pockets full grown”)

  • Pump

  • Bump

  • Pounce

  • Bounce

  • Get up

  • Get down

  • Jiggy (a friend refused to dance to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit’ It” at the Camp Dance because she said it was “perverted”)

  • Deep

  • Deeper

  • Come

  • Hit

  • It

  • The very word “dirty”

Needless to say, I had to hit the dictionary pretty hard to come up with some synonyms. I like to think it gave me a deeper appreciation of words, but at the time, it drove me nuts.

Stuff I Did This Week: It’s Matilda’s 30th birthday, so I wrote a piece about what I think she’d be doing now for Vanity Fair! (Probably not making a list of words she once thought were dirty.)

Fake BBC Show Title of the Week: Is It Currently Raining?

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